I came out of surgery with high hopes that all was well. It was a quick 1 week recovery. I went into my 1 month appointments, my thyroid hormone levels all came back perfect and things were looking good. The only thing I even noticed was that I can't talk very loudly or sing. The doctor said there is scar tissue around my voice box with is causing that and should eventually go away. I don't have a beautiful singing voice, but I do love to sing. Mostly in church or just rocking out in the car with my kids. I can cope. At this same appointment Dr. Baker said that because my pathology reports came back cancerous I needed to go see an Endocrinologist and an appointment was made for me to go see him within a few weeks.
Honestly I didn't spend more than probably 5 minutes thinking about this appointment. No anxieties or anything. Dustin asked if I wanted him to come with me and like I did last time I reassured him I'd be fine. Dr. Vance came in and told me first of all that not a lot of research has been done with thyroid cancer but they know the radioactive iodine has been working to clean up the cancer cells and thyroid cells that may have been left in the body after surgery and that because my cancer was over 2 cm it was not much of an option for me, I needed to do it.
I'm not sure I have mentioned much about this before and what all this means. My #1 concern at the time was my kids. I would have to be isolated from my kids for 7 days and away from everybody and everything for at least 3. All the rest of the concerns were bundled into a bunch of confusion and emotion. I would need to do a low iodine diet for 4 weeks and then do a 24 hour urine test which would determine if my iodine levels in my body are low enough to continue with radiation. This test takes about 4 business days to get back. Then if my iodine levels are low enough we continue to get my TSH (thyroid hormone) levels to go high. They are going to do this for me by giving me a shot for 2 days and after the shots I got to the hospital for this wretched pill which I take and stay isolated in the hospital for 30 minutes. Long enough for me to not cause any serious damage to anyone around me and probably to monitor any serious side effects my body might have. This procedure also increases my chances of getting other cancers by like .001%, can cause permanent damage to saliva glands and tear ducts, but increases the chances of all thyroid cancer being destroyed. Thyroids absorb iodine and the mass amount I would be ingesting would wipe them out.
I felt disappointed when they told me they suspected I had thyroid cancer, but for some reason it doesn't compare to the disappointment I felt when they told me they wanted me to do radiation. For the past 2 weeks I have been a bottle chocked full of emotion. I have felt disappointment, anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness and guilt. I have felt guilty for being like the 10 lepers who begged the Lord to heal them and then walked away rejoicing. I didn't fall on my face in thanksgiving to Him and for that I feel guilty. I feel guilty for feeling upset. I have a testimony that God's will be done and being upset and frustrated and sad makes me feel like I am questioning his will. I have been trying to work through my emotions because I can feel it is a heavy barrier between my spirit and the Holy Ghost.
It makes me feel good when I talked to people that make me feel justified in having emotions. (I know being off thyroid medication for almost 2 weeks now isn't helping the situation much) It's ok to feel upset and sad and anxious as long as I continue to move through the emotions and find the testimony that I have rooted myself into and cling to that with faith in knowing Heavenly Father has a beautiful plan for me. It's much harder than it sounds though.
I find myself in conversations with random people who have what they think is the best advice. As I listen and mediate on the things they tell me I find myself only more confused. I read webpage after webpage trying to study this topic. After a really big cry and dumping all the deep down feelings out my smart and kind husband asked me, "have you opened the scriptures?" and insisted I do so now. It would just so happen that I opened the exact chapter I needed to read - it reminded me to be humble, repent and pray always and for everything knowing that God hears my prayers. Christ has atoned for this trial and will help carry me through it if I will allow Him.
So this is my goal. I need to settle down, rely on the Savior to carry me through yet another trial and not forget to thank him with all my heart and might. That is the only way I can see making it through this. We have an appointment to see another Endocrinologist in Salt Lake City on the 24th who will confirm radioactive iodine or offer another method. I am hoping and praying for a calm spirit that can receive the answer to the road the Lord would have me travel. When I know.. that is the one I will choose.
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